Question: Should Latter-day Saints ("Mormons") reject "wayward" family members or those who leave the Church?

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Criticism

Some critics insist that the Church teaches such principles as:

  • those who are less faithful to Church teachings should (or inevitably will) receive less love
  • we should reject those who reject the Church
  • children reject the Church through the fault of parents who "don't have enough faith."

These issues are also more generally relevent for those who seek help from FAIR, since readers may be struggling with family members who have left the Church because of anti-Mormon materials.

Source(s) of the Criticism

  • Bob McCue, "Out of My Faith," 26 May 2003, 118-119. [1]

Response

Are parents to 'blame' when children go astray?

LDS doctrine consideres humans to be the literal spirit children of God. The LDS doctrine of premortal existence also mentions the fact that a third of God's spirit children rejected Christ to follow Satan (D&C 29:30). Biblical patriarchs such as Isaac (Genesis 26:34-35) and Jacob (Genesis 38:7, Genesis 38:12-26) had descendants who brought them great grief through wickedness. Book of Mormon prophets, such as Lehi (1 Nephi 2:11-12), Mosiah , and Alma (Mosiah 27:8 had wayward children, as did many unnamed parents (Mosiah 26:1-2, 3 Nephi 1:30).

Thus, a wayward child is clearly no sign of parental failure: if so, God and some of His greatest prophets would stand condemned.

Modern leaders of the Church have taught the same doctrines:

How should parents treat wayward children?

Parents should have an increase of love toward wayward children:

What kind of a mother [or father] are you that you only love her when she does what you want her to do? That is selfish, self-centered, qualified love. It’s easy to love our children when they are good; but when they make mistakes, they need our love even more. We should love and care for them no matter what they do. It doesn’t mean we condone or approve of the errors, but we help, not condemn; love, not hate; forgive, not judge. We build them up rather than tear them down; we lead them, not desert them. We love when they are the most unlovable, and if you can’t or won’t do that, you are a poor mother [or father].
— Jack H. Gosland, Conference Report (Apr. 1981): 79; or Ensign (May 1981): 60.

Note the prohibition of “qualified” love, and anyone who exhibits such an attitude is a “poor” parent. Unconditional love, contrary to the critics' claim, is enjoined upon Church members especially for wayward children:

It is absolutely essential that people embrace the saving principles of the gospel if they are to enter the presence of the Lord pure and clean. The catalyst which moves them to embrace these principles is always love—unconditional, unfeigned, felt to the very core by the giver and the receiver. It is the kind of love shown not by what people say but by what they do. This kind of love has the power to melt the hardest heart, to create a change in the most vile sinner, to bring men and women to their knees in humble worship.
— F. Melvin Hammond, “Parents, Never Give Up,” Ensign (Jan. 1994): 47

How can parents help wayward children?

Above all, one must use bo force, no compulsion, no efforts to control (D&C 121:35-44).

Trying too hard to be helpful, some parents set their children’s goals for them, and then they don’t allow them the freedom to make mistakes—or the blessing of learning from them. They attempt to maintain their power and influence by force, instead of “by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge…“We were to blame for a lot of our son’s behavior,” one mother laments. “All we meant to do was correct him, but we were always on his back, always putting him down.”… “Any forcing would drive our daughter away from us,” another parent says. “We want to keep her close, so for now, we’re just taking it easy.”
— Marvin K. Gardner, “Keeping the Door Open and the Stew Hot: Loving and Helping a Wayward Child,” Ensign (Aug. 1982): 9.

Is this a difficult task, to love a child with whom we do not agree? Of course. But, Christianity is full of “impossible” tasks, like loving your enemies and blessing those that curse you (Matthew 5:44).

Lesson number one was the realization that I cannot change others; I can only change myself. As I have matured in facing the lifelong challenge with independent children, I find that my prayers are different than they used to be. I used to try to exercise faith by saying, “Heavenly Father, please help my children to change. Help them to become aware of the harmful effects of alcohol or sexual promiscuity, and help them to recognize the truths of the gospel.” But now I am more likely to exercise faith in the Lord Jesus Christ by saying, “Heavenly Father, I know Thou lovest my children. Help me to feel about them the same way Thou dost. Help me to love them better. Help me to understand Thy plan as it applies to them. And help me to be patient.”

“I Won’t Give Up on Them!” Ensign (Feb. 2004): 44.

Such forbearance is not easy, and comes only as a gift of grace:

47 But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him. 48 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen. Moroni 7:47-48

What is the fate of the wayward?

Conclusion

The Saints are encouraged to love everyone, despite their choices. They must never seek to control or compel another, and must leave matters of faith to the influence of God and His spirit.

There is no Church doctrine which teaches that sincere parents are condemned for their parents' choices; indeed, there is great hope for wayward family members.

The critics' charges that family members must 'force' others into obedience for fear of their own salvation turns LDS doctrine on its head.

Further reading

FAIR wiki articles

  • Links to related articles in the wiki

FAIR web site

  • FAIR Topical Guide:

External links

Printed material

  • Printed resources whose text is not available online
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