Presentation by DeLayna Beck
Transcript
[DeLayna Beck]
You Had One Job
Have you ever seen the “you had one job” memes? They really make me laugh. This kind of meme highlights the absurdity or obviousness of the mistake, and suggests that the person had only one thing to do, and yet managed to mess it up, causing confusion or trouble. Here are some of my favorites.
I Had One Job
A couple of months ago, a close friend was telling me her concerns about some choices her adult child was making, and she brought up the phrase, “I had one job.” She felt that as a parent she had failed in raising that child. I was able to share my witness with her that our Heavenly Father was aware of her situation, her fears and desires of being a good mother, and that He loves both her and her child.
When children choose a different path, parents may feel a wide range of emotions: sorrow, betrayal, anger, frustration, hopelessness and anxiety. They may feel that they failed in their parenting, that their chances of an eternal family are lost forever. Parents may have a crisis of faith. “How could Heavenly Father let this happen to me? I have been trying so hard to be righteous!” It can even cause marriages to fall apart because each spouse finds reasons to blame the other for the situation.
Trying Tactics
Faced with these difficult emotions, it’s easy to act out of desperation or fear. Parents try different tactics to bring that child into compliance, much like trying every key on the ring trying to find the one that will open the door. Common tactics include (but aren’t limited to)
- Guilt: an attempt to make the child feel guilty for their behavior. An example is the parent saying, “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you repay me?”
- Withdrawing love as a penalty: parents withdraw affection or show disappointment in the child’s behavior. This sounds like “I can’t believe you did that, I’m very disappointed in you.”
- Shaming: an attempt to embarrass the child into conforming. That sounds like “How could you do something so stupid?”
- Conforming to the Child’s Identity: This happens when a parent feels conflicted because their beliefs differ from their child’s behavior. To resolve this conflict, the parent abandons their own beliefs and adopts the child’s values and behaviors, both privately and publicly.
These tactics aren’t really in line with gospel teachings.
Stay by the Tree
But there is a way to respond that maintains parents’ faith and a loving relationship with their children: “Stay by the Tree.” You’re all familiar with Lehi’s dream of the tree of life, “whose fruit was desirable to make one happy.”
“The tree represents Christ, who is the clear manifestation of the love of God. The fruit is His infinite Atonement and is great evidence of God’s love.”¹
When Laman and Lemuel wouldn’t come and partake of the fruit, Lehi and Sariah didn’t chase after them. They stayed by the tree together.
It’s important for parents to stay by the tree – to stay true to their own faith and their efforts to become like Christ while at the same time supporting and loving their children – regardless of their direction or choices in life.
Introducing the Acronym S.T.A.Y.
Today I’ll be sharing an acronym with you that can help you remember the key principles to navigate this parenting journey with faith and love – to stay by the tree.
The acronym is “S.T.A.Y.”
- “S” is for Stewardship.
- “T” stands for Trust.
- “A” is for Agency. And
- “Y” stands for Yield.
As we take a closer look at each one, we can gain insights from the experiences of Lehi and Sariah as we STAY by the tree and become agents of change in the lives of our loved ones. Then we’ll look at some ways we can apply those insights in our own lives.
Stewardship
Stewardship is ‘the job of supervising or taking care of something.’ In the church, stewardship involves recognizing that our responsibilities and relationships are given to us by our Heavenly Father. Three key elements of stewardship are ‘circle of control’, responsibility, and accountability.
Circle of Control
As parents, we can control our diligence, obedience, and proactivity in both temporal and spiritual matters. This also includes choosing to love children who make choices you disagree with. When we fall short, we can take responsibility by repenting and trying to improve. Parents, like our Heavenly Father, can only teach and direct to the level of willingness of their children to learn and listen. Children have a stewardship over their willingness to learn and listen.
Circle of Influence & Circle of Concern
In these circles, our control is limited. The circle of influence includes areas where we can have some impact, often through relationships and interactions with others. We can extend a positive influence to those around us through service, example, and loving behaviors. The circle of concern, on the other hand, is full of things we’re worried about but have no direct control over, like global events, natural disasters and other people’s choices. In this circle, our best course of action is to focus on faith and trust in God’s plan, rather than becoming overwhelmed by things outside our control.
Elder Uchtdorf shared his insight into the circle of control:
“As a fighter pilot and airline captain, I learned that while I could not choose the adversity I would encounter during a flight, I could choose how I prepared and how I reacted. What is needed during times of crisis is calm and clear-headed trust. How do we do this? …Focus on the things you can do and not on the things you cannot do.”² (emphasis mine)
Responsibility
Responsibility is understanding that you have a duty to manage certain aspects of your life and the lives of those in your care. “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” lists specific elements of a parent’s responsibility. Parents have a stewardship:
- to love each other and their children
- to care for each other and their children
- to act in love and righteousness
- to provide for their children’s physical and spiritual needs
- to teach their children spiritual, temporal and social things
Responsibility and Volleyball
When I was serving my mission in Norway, sometimes our district would meet at the church in Bergen and play volleyball. Maybe you have played volleyball in a ward or family setting. Each player has a specific area on the court that they are responsible to defend. I’ve noticed that there always seems to be one player who is all over the court, chasing the ball. And when the ball does hit the ground, where does it inevitably fall? In the spot they were supposed to be in!
Just like in the game of volleyball, sometimes parents run all over the court trying to play positions that aren’t theirs. Parents can feel responsible for saving their children; but Christ is the only one who can do that. Parents may feel responsible for judging their children, but Heavenly Father is the one who judges. Parents may even feel that they need to assist the Holy Ghost in his role of guiding and protecting. In reality, parents play on the same team as the godhead and need to focus on their own responsibilities.
We need to remember what Elder Eyring taught:
“For some, that eternal joy may seem a faint or even a fading hope. Parents, children, brothers, and sisters may have made choices that seem to disqualify them from eternal life…A prophet of God once offered me counsel that gives me peace. I was worried that the choices of others might make it impossible for our family to be together forever. He said, “You are worrying about the wrong problem. You just live worthy of the celestial kingdom, and the family arrangements will be more wonderful than you can imagine.”³
Accountability
Accountability is recognizing that you are answerable to God for how you handle the things entrusted to you. “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” points out that parents will be accountable before God for “the discharge of these duties”.
Remember Lehi & Sariah
Lehi and Sariah exemplified stewardship by clearly understanding their circle of control, calling and beckoning their family, and creating a spiritual environment. They taught principles of faith, repentance, and obedience through their actions and leadership. Aware of their accountability to God, they diligently fulfilled their roles as parents and spiritual guides, knowing they were responsible for teaching and guiding their family.
Trust
“T” stands for Trust. Trust in God’s work to bring your children home to him. Trust that He has an individual plan for each of His children, including yours. We can overcome frustration and fear through trust.
The Intent of the Plan is to Bring Your Child Home
I loved Elder Kearon’s talk, God’s Intent is to Bring You Home.[4] He explores the names of the Plan of Salvation and personalizes them. Apply this to your child. Just insert your child’s name instead of the word “you/your”.
“The intent of the Father’s great plan of happiness is your [child’s] happiness, right here, right now, and in the eternities…The intent of the Father’s plan of redemption is in fact your [child’s] redemption, your [child’s] being rescued through the sufferings and death of Jesus Christ, freed from the captivity of sin and death…The intent of the Father’s plan of mercy is to extend mercy as [your child] turn[s] back to Him…The intent of the Father’s plan of salvation is in fact your [child’s] salvation in the celestial kingdom of glory as [your child] receive[s] “the testimony of Jesus” and offer[s their] whole soul to Him. It is not to keep [your child] out.”
We can trust that the very intent of God’s plan is to bring our children home.
The Plan Isn’t an Assembly Line
Sometimes it feels like the Plan of Salvation is an assembly line, with all of God’s children dumped in at one end, processed en masse through different stages of the plan, and then spat out at the end into one of the kingdoms of glory. This paradigm of the Plan of Salvation doesn’t allow for individual attention or variation. In reality, The Great Plan of Our Eternal God is a deeply personal and individualized journey that respects each person’s agency, offers personal revelation, provides unique experiences, requires individual covenants, and fosters a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Some evidences of the fine-tuning of the Plan are:
- Individual Agency and Personal Growth
- Personal Revelation
- Unique Trials and Experiences
- Individual Covenants and Ordinances
Other instances of the Plan of Salvation being specifically tailored to each individual are patriarchal blessings, individual testimonies and a personal relationship with Christ.
Sometimes we’re afraid that things won’t ever improve or change. But that isn’t true. There is always the potential for change. We can trust that God will continue to love and offer direction to our loved ones in every way they are willing to receive it.
The Tension Between Trust and Frustration
There is a tension between trust and frustration in relation to faith in God. This tension arises when we encounter trials, uncertainties, or unmet expectations. On the one hand, we believe in God as being wholly trustworthy – he is omniscient, omnipotent and always fulfills His promises. On the other hand, we feel frustration when righteous desires are delayed or unrealized. Sometimes that frustration can cause doubts to arise.
This tension is amplified when we don’t acknowledge our expectations – sometimes we don’t even realize we have them. The fact is that we often have specific expectations about how things should ‘turn out,’ as if there were a formula like this:
I am keeping the commandments & doing my best ∴ (therefore) everything in my life will go ‘right’
We expect that God will act in specific ways in our lives. When these expectations are not met, it can lead to frustration. This can look like praying for healing or a specific blessing and not receiving it in the way or in the timing that we expected. We may feel that God has abandoned us or isn’t hearing us. Sometimes we forget that we don’t have access to the ‘big picture’ and we’re frustrated when God’s course of action or timing doesn’t align with our logic or our desires.
It’s within our control to mitigate this tension. We can recognize what our expectations are, and let go of the expectations that are not within our own control. No matter what circumstances we find ourselves in, God can turn them to our good. Just like Joseph Smith at Liberty Jail, “all these things shall give [us] experience, and shall be for ]our] good.” Finally, we can seek divine perspective through prayer, scripture study, and revelation.
Remember Lehi & Sariah
Lehi and Sariah showed their trust in God by staying at the tree together. They trusted in God’s individualized plans and timing. Overcoming their frustrations and fears through reliance on God’s guidance and promises, Lehi and Sariah exemplify profound trust in God’s love, His specific plans for each person, and the peace that comes from steadfast faith in His divine wisdom and care.
Agency
“A” is for Agency. I once heard a talk about raising teenagers, and the speaker joked that he was going to write a book and call it “Agency and How to Enforce It.” And I admit that sometimes that sounds pretty tempting. But it turns out that Satan has already tried to publish that book.
Agency is a divine gift given to all of God’s children. It allows us to make choices and be accountable for those choices, which is a necessary condition for personal and spiritual growth. This allows us to learn from our experiences, develop faith, and grow spiritually. Without agency, the concept of sin, repentance, and forgiveness would be meaningless. Both we as parents and our children have agency. As parents, it’s so important for us to recognize the agency of our children. We can do this by respecting their choices, encouraging personal growth and offering guidance, not control.
Respect their choices
In order to progress and learn, our children must have the opportunity to choose for themselves. If we try to assert our will over our children’s decisions, we risk creating an environment where our child makes a choice in reaction to us instead of choosing according to their values. Parents can’t carry out the Lord’s plan by using Satan’s methods.
Offer Guidance, Not Control
We don’t get to make life choices for our loved ones, no matter how much we might like to. Trying to make those choices for them is like squeezing a sponge in your hand—you can make the sponge conform to a shape, but it hasn’t really changed. Once you let go, it will return to its original shape. Any true change—in us or our children—has to come from within, motivated by the Spirit. We can do as Moroni instructed and invite them and entice them to do good.
Remember Lehi & Sariah:
Lehi and Sariah respected their children’s agency. They knew that each person must choose to come unto Christ of their own free will. This respect for agency is evident as they watched some of their children choose to partake of the fruit and others to wander away. They encouraged their children to seek their own spiritual experiences and grow in their faith. Lehi’s sharing his vision was an invitation for his family to have their own spiritual journeys. And finally, Lehi and Sariah did not force their family to partake of the fruit; they invited them. They offered guidance and bore testimony, allowing them to exercise their agency in making their own choices.
Yield
“Y” stands for Yield. Yielding our hearts to God is the process of becoming truly converted and sanctified. It has to do with keeping an eternal perspective that focuses on hope and faith, not fear. When we yield, we love much and do what we can.
True conversion yields the fruit of enduring happiness that can be enjoyed even when the world is in turmoil…Of a group of individuals in difficulty, the Book of Mormon teaches: “They did fast and pray oft, and did wax stronger and stronger in their humility, and firmer and firmer in the faith of Christ, unto the filling their souls with joy and consolation, yea, even to the purifying and the sanctification of their hearts, which sanctification cometh because of their yielding their hearts unto God”.
Fill Your Soul With Joy and Consolation
Helaman 3:35 outlines a process whereby saints who are undergoing trials because of the misuse of other’s agency are able to have their souls “filled with joy and consolation.”
- Fast and pray often
- Grow stronger in humility
- Grow firmer in the faith of Christ
The continual upward spiral of these steps results in the purification and sanctification of their hearts; and the sanctification process is made possible by and described as “yielding their hearts unto God.”
“We all have our agency…We can choose to let God prevail in our lives, or not. We can choose to let God be the most powerful influence in our lives, or not…By choosing to let God prevail, [we can find] peace.”
If you are seeking peace, seek to let God prevail by truly becoming converted to Him yourself.
Keep an Eternal Perspective
Life on earth is a part of a much larger plan that includes pre-mortal existence, mortal life, and post-mortal life. This perspective helps us understand that temporary setbacks or deviations do not define the eternal destiny of us or our loved ones.
Mortal life is designed to be a time of learning, growth, and testing. The experiences and choices made here are part of the process of becoming more like God – for us and for our children. Even when present outcomes differ from our hopes, trusting in God’s wisdom and overarching plan is crucial. God’s perspective is infinite, and His ways and timings are higher than ours.
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland encouraged us to remember this fact when he said, “Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come.”
Love Much. Do What You Can.
Toward the end of the Savior’s mortal ministry, while he was at Simon’s home, a woman with an alabaster box of ointment washed the Lord’s feet with her tears, dried them with her hair, and anointed his feet with the ointment. I’d like to end our discussion of yielding to God by focusing on two statements Christ made about this woman:
Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much.
She hath done what she could.
The same thing applies to parents. ‘Loving much’ is a powerful thing. And so is doing what you can. Maintaining a loving relationship with your children, regardless of their choices, can be a powerful and enduring influence. Love and patience keep the lines of communication open.
Do what you can. Following the Savior’s example of unconditional love helps create an environment where children know they are valued. Loving your children unconditionally becomes part of your efforts to become more like Christ.
Continue to nourish your faith in God’s plan, timing and power to redeem. Continue to pray with faith and learn what it means to have a “perfect brightness of hope.”
“Remember, families are a God-given laboratory where we’re figuring things out, so missteps and miscalculations are not just possible but probable. And wouldn’t it be interesting if, at the end of our lives, we could see that those relationships, even those challenging moments, were the very things that helped us to become more like our Savior? Each difficult interaction is an opportunity to learn how to love at a deeper level—a godlike level.”
Remember Lehi & Sariah:
Lehi and Sariah’s conversion and commitment to Christ deepened as they partook of the tree of life, symbolizing their choice to yield their hearts to God. Embracing His teachings, they faithfully lived by them and focused on eternity. They continually loved and hoped for their children, teaching and exemplifying God’s principles within their sphere of influence, trusting in His guidance and providence.
Applying the “STAY” Paradigm in Our Lives
Just as Lehi and Sariah stayed by the tree and invited their family to partake of the fruit, you can stay by the tree and be an example of steadfast faith and love.
- Model Christlike Behavior: Like Lehi and Sariah, live your life in a way that reflects the teachings of Jesus Christ. Let your loved ones see the joy and peace that come from living the gospel.
- Serve and Support: Actively look for ways to serve your loved ones. Help them in their times of need and celebrate their successes, just as Lehi and Sariah supported their family through their journey.
- Pray for Guidance: Regularly seek divine guidance in how to best support and influence your loved ones. Pray for the strength to be a positive influence in their lives, as Lehi did when seeking revelation for his family.
- Share Your Testimony: Share your faith and testimony with your loved ones, not in a forceful way, but as a natural part of your interactions. Let them see how your faith influences your life positively.
- Be a Positive Influence: Use your circle of influence to gently guide and inspire your loved ones. Your example, love, and support can encourage them to seek out and embrace positive changes in their own lives.
By embracing and authentically living these principles, we can become beacons of light and true agents of change for our loved ones. Our faith, love, and trust in God’s plan will create a supportive environment for them to grow and make positive choices.
“I testify that God’s love for each of His children is infinite and perfect. If you worry that you or your children will never measure up, or that Christ’s infinite Atonement covers everyone but you, then you misunderstand. Infinite means infinite. Infinite covers you and those you love.”
He knows their hearts, struggles, and paths. As we stay true to our faith and embody these principles, we can find peace and strength in His divine plan and be examples of believers to those we love.
May we have the courage and faith to stay by the tree, trusting in the Lord’s timing and wisdom. I know that as we do, we will be blessed with the comfort and guidance we need, and our families will be strengthened in His love. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
No Q&A was provided for this presentation, as time did not allow.
Dig deeper
sources
- Pearson, By Elder Kevin W. Stay by the Tree. 2 Apr. 2015. Link.
- Uchtdorf, Elder Dieter F. God Will Do Something Unimaginable. 3 Oct. 2020, Link.
- Kearon, Elder Patrick. God’s Intent Is to Bring You Home. 7 Apr. 2024. Link.
- Doctrine & Covenants 122:7. Link.
- “How to Hug a Teenage Porcupine.” Goodreads, Link.
- 2 Nephi 2:27
- D&C 101:78
- Yielding Our Hearts to God. 25 Aug. 2012, Link.
- Nelson, President Russell M. Let God Prevail. 4 Oct. 2020, Link.
- Holland, Elder Jeffrey R. “An High Priest of Good Things to Come.” 2 Oct. 1999, Link.
- Luke 7:47. Link.
- Mark 14:8. Link.
- Runia, Sister Tamara W. Seeing God’s Family Through the Overview Lens. 30 Oct. 2023, Link.
- —. God’s Intent Is to Bring You Home. 7 Apr. 2024, Link.
