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The Lord Supports Me

by Autumn Dickson

Maybe this week’s message was meant for me. I definitely needed to hear it. I feel like every time I’ve sat down to write a message, I’ve been hitting my head against a wall. I had all these goals about getting ahead and being on top of things, and though I have attempted to completely set myself up for success, it feels as though I have found nothing but obstacles. Maybe, just maybe, that’s because I would need this message for this very week. I couldn’t get ahead because it wouldn’t have come at the right time.

Maybe, just maybe, it’s a message that you need too.

An unexpected turn of events

I’m pregnant again. At the time of writing this, I’m not very far along. By the time this message comes around, I will be near the middle of my pregnancy. I had a baby five months ago. No, we were not being irresponsible. It came about because of circumstances that were actually outside of our control.

I completely recognize that I am so blessed to be able to bear children. I know that there are women out there who would do anything to be in my position. I would not trade my problems for someone else’s.

But I have struggled with this news. My babies will be thirteen months apart. I already feel like I’m going from sunup to sundown with no time to pull my head above water. Add in the nausea and depression, and I’m basically a basket case. Every single time I sit down at my computer to try and share something about Christ, I feel like I’m swimming through mists of darkness. I feel like I’m trying to cut through a nebulous darkness to try and receive something to put on paper. And by the time I’ve been able to start writing and working through my process, I’m so drained.

I don’t do well when I’m pregnant. I’m not the mom or wife I want to be. Trying to share messages about Christ when I’m agitated, angry, or despairing feels like trying to climb a sheer cliff face.

It is in this state of mind that I read this verse:

Mosiah 2:30 For even at this time, my whole frame doth tremble exceedingly while attempting to speak unto you; but the Lord God doth support me, and hath suffered me that I should speak unto you, and hath commanded me that I should declare unto you this day, that my son Mosiah is a king and a ruler over you.

I am not here to declare my child as your king and ruler, but I do feel a kinship with King Benjamin in his other sentiments. I have a message to share, and I’m exhausted. Beyond the emotional toll, my body is worn down. I know that I’m not the only one who has felt too weak to accomplish the tasks at hand, to wonder if God has asked too much this time, to wonder if I don’t have what it takes to choose faith for another day.

So this message from King Benjamin is for us. The Lord God will support us, and He will help us accomplish what He sent us here to do. He has taught me how we’re going to get through this together by reminding me of a couple of principles that I easily and often forget. Maybe I can share them with you, and maybe you’ll have a better memory than me.

A day at a time

The first principle is that we’re going to take it a day at a time. There are appropriate times to plan and make ambitious goals and prepare for future crises. And then there are times when you reach crises, and it becomes appropriate to ration. The Lord can help you know what stage you’re at, but as for me and my house, we’re rationing for the next year.

Each day, I’m going to wake up, I’m going to devote whatever time I can to accomplish the work He’s given me (both motherhood and blogging), and then I’m just going to wake up and repeat it the next day. I’m going to push aside my fears that are whispering that there is too much work, that I need to sacrifice more, that I’ll never accomplish it. I’m going to trust that He will give me what I need to accomplish what He wants done.

And I’ll fail at that. Heaven knows half of my mental effort these days is solely focused on trying to trust Him and forget about tomorrow. However, in the quiet moments when the wind stops and the darkness dissipates just a little, I know that He will magnify what I can give. It may be measly, but it’s not my work anyway. It’s His, and He asked me to do it which means that He’s going to help me do it. I make a pretty poor partner, but He chose me so that’s on Him.

He will carry us  

There are three little phrases I want to pull out of the verse we read earlier. The Lord commanded King Benjamin to speak to the people. King Benjamin’s frame was literally shaking while he was trying to do this. But the Lord was also supporting him through the process, suffering him to fulfill the work he had been given.

The Lord could have asked someone else. King Benjamin could have gotten up and said, “My son is your king now,” and turned the time over to Mosiah. Mosiah made a good king too. I’m sure he had been taught well by his father. He was young, but the Spirit could have just as easily testified of his words to his people as it did for King Benjamin’s words.

So why King Benjamin?

We don’t know.

Which is probably an unsatisfying answer, but it’s also the truth. Maybe the Lord needed a little extra sacrifice to consecrate the speech delivered by King Benjamin for the sake of his people. Maybe King Benjamin needed to feel that unending support, that lesson, again (even though he likely felt it a ton throughout his career as humble and serving king). Maybe Mosiah simply wasn’t ready, or maybe Mosiah needed to see his father supported by the Lord so that he would know the Lord could carry him through his service as king. We just don’t know.

So what am I trying to teach here? Because this is all rather unhelpful.

I guess what I’m trying to teach is that the Lord has His reasons, and I’ve never known Him to be unwise or cruel. Maybe I don’t know His specific reasons for why an old king needed to overly exert his body after a lifetime of service. However, I do know that the Lord had a very good reason, and I know that King Benjamin wouldn’t regret following Him.

I don’t know why I’m having a baby right now. Maybe I won’t know until the next life. I’ll probably have guesses, but it’s very probable that I simply won’t know.

But I do know this. I know He is wise. I know He sees way more than I do. I know that He manipulates the details of my life in my favor.

I also know this. I know that He is not doing it just to make my life harder. It is a good reason, even if I can’t see it now. I also know that I won’t regret following Him (at least not permanently).

I can give you a million reasons why I think this is a bad idea. I have this other work He’s given me, and this makes me vastly more inefficient. I have other children who need a loving mother, and being a loving mother while I’m pregnant and depressed is so hard. Oftentimes, they need far more than I am capable of giving. My cup is often empty when I wake up in the morning. I could accuse Him of making me sacrifice all of these other things, and I could even tell Him no.

But I would only be hurting myself. And truth be told, I would probably be hurting my family too.

He has His reasons. I don’t know them, but I know Him. I am so blessed to know Him.

And because I know Him, I also know this. He has good reasons for what He is doing, and He’s also not going to abandon me. He’s not sacrificing me for some greater good. He didn’t look at King Benjamin and say, “Sorry, but you’re out of luck. It’s either you or all of these other people who need these words.” Everything can be for our benefit. My kids may have a much shorter-tempered mother, but they will also have a mother who knows how to apologize, who knows how the Lord loves her and is cheering her on. They will know how to be compassionate. They will know that the Lord does not abandon His own even if He’s pushing them beyond what they believe are their limits.

He has asked me to do something hard, and I love Him for it because I know Him. I may not love my difficult task; luckily that doesn’t seem to be a requirement for celestial glory. But I love how He will carry me through it and bless me and my family for it.

If He asked you to do something hard, it’s okay to be afraid. It’s okay for it to feel impossible. It’s okay that you don’t know how you’re going to do it. It’s okay that you’re probably going to fail at it multiple times. Trust Him.

 

Autumn Dickson was born and raised in a small town in Texas. She served a mission in the Indianapolis Indiana mission. She studied elementary education but has found a particular passion in teaching the gospel. Her desire for her content is to inspire people to feel confident, peaceful, and joyful about their relationship with Jesus Christ and to allow that relationship to touch every aspect of their lives.